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"A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat."

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"A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them."

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"Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it."

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"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."

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"Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs."

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"Love is a driver, bitter and fierce if you fight and resist him, Easy-going enough once you acknowledge his power."

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"Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope."

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"Never fight an inanimate object."

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"Politicians are interested in people. Not that it is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs."

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"Skiing consists of wearing 3,000 worth of clothes and equipment and driving 200 miles in the snow in order to stand around at a bar and drink."

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"The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop."

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"The preamble to the Constitution states We, the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquillity, provide for the common defence, promote the general welfare... It doesn't say guarantee the general welfare. And it certainly doesn't say give welfare benefits to all the people in the country who aren't doing so well even if the reason they aren't doing so well is because they're sitting on their butts in front of the TV."

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"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible."

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"Very little is known of the Canadian country since it is rarely visited by anyone but the Queen and illiterate sport fishermen."

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"Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government do it to somebody else. This is the idea behind foreign policy."

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"When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators."

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"With Epcot Center the Disney corporation has accomplished something I didn't think possible in today's world. They have created a land of make-believe that's worse than regular life."

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